The problem with “Crazy” Hair Day
by guest blogger Sara Leo
This post has been edited from its original which generated largely positive feedback from other White people and critical feedback from people of color. I have learned a lot through this process and I believe I will be a better anti-racist advocate for my daughter because of this experience. While I am grateful to those who learned from the original post, I want to thank those who pushed me to understand my own biases and gaps of knowledge.. I have attempted to revise this post with the goal of critiquing and problematizing the conversation I had with my daughter.
On the last week before summer break, my White four-year-old daughter’s preschool participated in a common event in elementary schools across the country: “Crazy Hair Day.” That morning, I pulled her blonde hair up into about 10 ponytails and sent her on her way to school. As soon as I dropped her off, I started to feel anxiety about what I had done.
My personal issues with “Crazy Hair Day” are numerous. Briefly, since “Crazy Hair Day” was the official title of the day, I use that wording in this post; however, the word “crazy” has problematic ablest connotations and many people find it offensive. As such, many are trying hard to delete the word from their vocabulary.
My anxiety about the style I chose for my daughter is related to the potential implicit (and sometimes explicit) racism that I feel a day like this can reinforce. Very simply put, many common ways for White girls to wear their hair on a “Crazy Hair Day” are either suggestive (sometimes exaggerated versions or parodies) or direct examples of ways that Black girls wear their hair everyday. I interpret “Crazy Hair Day” as a day to put your child’s hair in a style that is weird, unusual, silly, or laughable. Though my daughter’s ponytails were not the same as the hairstyles that some Black girls her age might wear, I felt I had implied that wearing her hair in multiple ponytails was “abnormal.” In a society where Black girls have been policed and even punished by schools because of the ways they wear their hair, I’m not comfortable participating in that message.
When I picked my daughter up from preschool and observed other kids, and even teachers, wearing similar styles, I knew I needed to talk to her about it. I chose to focus our conversation, and consequently this post, on Black girls’ hair styles, but boys are not exempt from this (nor is this solely an anti-Black racism issue either; Mohawks come to mind here, as well).
Our actual conversation took place on and off over the course of that afternoon and was pretty rocky from time to time, due partly to my fumbling and also to my daughter being tired. I therefore can’t recount all of our dialogue verbatim, but what follows is a sample of the general progression and some of the specific things I said, as well as some critique of my framing and ways I might have said things differently.
Me: You know, I want to talk with you a little bit about Crazy Hair Day. I’m kind of wishing we had decided not to do it. I think there are some problems with it.
My daughter: Why?
Me: Well, how would you feel if someone called your hair “crazy?” I mean just your hair the way you wear it normally, on a regular day?
My daughter: Um, I don’t know, maybe happy?
Me: Well, what if someone said your hair was weird or strange? I think that’s kind of what we really mean when we say “crazy” sometimes.
My daughter: Oh, then, I think I wouldn’t like it.
Me: Ok, well do you think that any kind of hairstyle should be called “crazy?”
My daughter: No…
Me: So you wore your hair in lots of different ponytails today and that was maybe a little strange for you because you don’t normally wear your hair like that…but is wearing your hair in lots of different ponytails really “crazy?” Have you seen other girls wearing their hair kind of like that?
I did a Google Image search of Black girls’ hair styles and showed her different examples and, at one point, we went through and talked about what we admired about each style. She was particularly fond of a girl who she noticed had hair styled just like Miss Elaina, one of her favorite characters from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. She understands that we think all people are valuable and beautiful just as they are, so talking about hair was a natural extension of that.
In the end, I want her to understand that no one’s hairstyle is “crazy.” But I also want to try to counteract the many messages she will receive from TV, movies, books, ads, etc. that equate straight, blonde hair, like hers, with beauty.
My daughter has very limited experience with advertisements and only a vague exposure to ‘princess culture’ and other things that explicitly reinforce White hegemonic beauty to girls her age. As a result, I did not focus our conversation on these issues that relate to structural racism. In retrospect, I could have used this conversation as an opportunity to introduce these issues, but I did not.
Instead, I continued the conversation by referencing a story I had seen on Twitter that touches more on interpersonal racism (Caveat: I now regret having shared the Twitter story with my daughter. My goal had been to describe everyone’s beauty and to challenge the notion that “White is normal,” but by introducing this story, I unintentionally implied that Black girls feel ashamed of their hair.)
Me: I heard a story recently about a young Black girl. She had hair kind of like this (I showed her a picture from my Google search). And some White girls, who looked like you and had hair like you, told her that her hair was ugly and they told her that she couldn’t be friends with them unless she had straight hair like theirs. How do you think that made her feel?
My daughter: Really sad.
Me: Yeah, is that a good way to treat anyone?
My daughter: No, it’s mean!
Me: Yes, and Black girls have beautiful hair just the way it is. We should celebrate all the different ways that people can wear their hair!
We then watched this Sesame Street video, which she had seen before. In it, Segi, a Black girl puppet, sings about how much she loves her hair and all of the awesome ways she can style it. After it was finished, it was clear that my daughter was tired of talking as she didn’t have much to say in response.
I closed our conversation in a way I also regret. I recalled an article I had read about why the creator of the video had made it and I chose to steer the conversation in that direction. I mentioned that sometimes Black girls feel bad about their hair and they wish it was different, so Segi wanted to help Black girls love their hair. I also shared, “Sometimes Black girls feel bad about their hair because White girls, or even adults, like you or me say mean or bad things about it.” In reflecting on this conversation, I regret referencing the Twitter story and then framing the video in negative terms. While it is certainly true that the culture of power values White girls’ hair over Black girls’, I did not intend to communicate that Black girls feel bad about or ashamed of their hair.
I wish I had said something like, “I really love this video because it makes me so happy to see all the different and cool ways Segi can style her hair. I’m glad she loves her hair. And I just want you to know that we don’t think any hairstyles or types of hair are weird or strange, even if they might be different from yours.”
During the course of this conversation, I struggled to interpret adult themes and vocabulary around power and privilege in a developmentally appropriate way—and I am conscious that I did not do as well as would have liked. As an educator, I have been comfortable wading into complex, nuanced topics about race with my daughter, but I realize that I have to be open and reflective about my own gaps of knowledge and that I need to return to conversations, like this one, where I might have created new biases while trying to dispel others.
When I revisit this topic, I will also talk about the diversity of Black girls’ hair—just as White people have many different types of hair (straight, curly, etc). Thankfully, I have endless opportunities to talk to my daughter and I am committed to complicate her understandings in the future. I am also committed to keep listening, learning, and trying.
My daughter and I are also planning to write a letter to her school asking them to consider changing “Crazy Hair Day” to something else for next year.
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Sara Leo is an educator, mother and PhD candidate in the Curriculum, Instruction, and Teacher Education program at Michigan State University. Her areas of study include media education, public pedagogy, and critical issues of race, gender, and sexuality, particularly as they relate to young children, parents, and the intersection of schooling and society.
Click here for more information on participating in Raising Race Conscious Children’s interactive workshop/webinar or individual consultations.
I have an African American daughter and a Caucasian daughter. This year for crazy hair day we tied balloons to my daughters piggy tails. I think as long as the “crazy” hair isn’t dont in a way that someone might normally do their hair, it’s fun and cute and brings out creativity
Thanks for this thoughtful response.
Thank you so much for posting this, I really struggled with “crazy hair day” when a friend put her child’s hair in corn rows…. did you happen to address the school at all?
When I was in Kindergarten I had a friend in class who was also an upstairs neighbor at the apartments where we lived. I loved her, she was my best friend. And I repeatedly remember asking my mom why I couldn’t have three braids like my friend. I don’t recall ever realizing she was different than me in any way, other than the way her mother styled her hair.
This makes me think to research I had read that explained that before people began calling attention to race, it wasn’t something people really even noticed.
Like Morgan Freeman, I don’t think people should call out the differences between us. We are all humans, we are more the same than different, and explaining to someone about the differences only makes them more apparent.
Diana, thank you for sharing your experiences in such a respectful way. However, contrary to your experience, Raising Race Conscious Children sits on research that shows explicit race talk in fact furthers goals of positive attitudes about people of a different race than one’s own. Here is some of the research if you are interested in learning more: https://raceconscious.org/about-the-blog/
Amen! I feel just like Diana! And I think that it is important to note that the society in which we live is different depending on where you live. Not everyone needs to have their hand held in this discussion. What I mean is, for example, my daughter’s class in very ethnically diverse. She has grown up in a society of many colors and hair types. She knows there are differences- and to point them out is silly. Yep- she has straight blond hair. A good friend of hers has black silky hair. Another good friend of hers has black coarse hair. But they all play together happily. Why show them how they are different?
This post is offensive. The author is perpetuating the idea that they purport to be against, that black hair is crazy hair.
When my daughter was 13 she came home from a shopping trip with a tshirt bearing the slogan, Blondes Have More Fun”. I had to think for awhile to figure out exactly what bothered me about it and what to do. I first told her about the history of that advertisement and a bit about the Black is Beautiful movement. I tried some of the kind of discussion you so nicely outlined. Probably it was her age , or her admiration of beautiful Black stars on tv, or her blonde beauty, but she wasn’t understanding my problem with “just a t-shirt”. Anyway, I took it away. Any insights or comments? I wonder if I was just inserting historical notions into a more advanced time. Thanks for feedback.
When I heard about “CRAZY HAIR” Day, I imagined the creative ways I could make my daughter’s hair wackier by putting one or two lop-sided ponytails, a braid in the wrong place, too many “clips” that didn’t do anything, a curler, a stick, a feather, leaves or other odd items that we don’t think about adorning our hair with.
NEVER would I have thought to compare my daughter’s styled hair with hair that’s styled by girls of color. My child has friends of every color at her school and many are from international countries. We don’t point out differences. If any girl has put out effort to make her hair fancy or attractive then I encourage my daughter to give a compliment. And I explain that is the way to “make friends”. We also talked about Boys wearing dresses or whatever they want. I NEVER point out differences unless a question or issue at school arises to discuss it. Occasionally, I find the need to explain different religious beliefs or cultural traditions, and tell her to be accepting of all, in order to learn more and “make friends”. Which is all that really matters to Kinders and 1st Graders.
Deborah, thank you for sharing your experience. However, Raising Race Conscious Children sits on research that shows explicit race talk in fact furthers goals of positive attitudes about people of a different race than one’s own. Here is some of the research if you are interested in learning more: https://raceconscious.org/about-the-blog/
You are awesome in your parenting. About a decade ago, when taking my then ten year old son and six year old daughter into the old Walter Reed Army Hospital, as we walked into the building, I was hit with the cost of our war in the Mid-East. WR was one of the two main hospitals where Wounded Warrior were being treated. At the time we actually lived on a small overseas Base whose isolation required residents to be rather healthy.
As soon as I saw the wounded men and women, I took them aside and quietly told them that I KNEW they would have questions about some of the things they saw, but to remember them and wait until we were in the car to ask me. We lived in GTMO, so they had a little better understanding about what was going on than most children their age; part of what I explained in the car was that those Soldiers & Airmen (Sailors & Marines were mostly at Bethesda) had lost those limbs, or were in wheelchairs because of their injuries and that we would NEVER point or ask questions when they were around because the hospital was a safe haven for them. Actually, anywhere in public, we should not make them feel uncomfortable, but especially not in the hospital. Also, where we lived, some people occassionally held talks to help explain to the children about things like Wounded Warriors, what it was like to live in ‘real Cuba’ (the refugees), about American Indians — things the kids might not have a lot of experience with.
As an African American woman, I applaud you for your thoughtful undertaking to sensitize your daughter on racial matters.
There is a fine line between politically correct, knee jerk, reactionary behavior with respect to race in America, and what you did.
Bravo!
Let me illuminate the #allybehavior here “white people like you and me”. In these streets admitting that maybe I’ve done something wrong. And that I need to look at it. And I need to examine why it may hurt someone. And NOT saying since your intent was good or benign THAT is what should matter.
Slow clap Ms. Leo.
I love Diana Clark’s response, especially the part about not realizing someone is of a different race the she was young. In my circle, no matter where I’ve lived, I never notice anyone’s skin tone. I’ve always seen the person for who the person is. The only times I’ve ever noticed is when someone else pointed it out, most of the time in a negative way. It is so much more pleasant to see people rather than skin tone.
It is a noble thing to teach children to be race conscious in a positive way because those who have taught their children to be race conscious up to present day have taught them in a very negative way…and they’ve grown to despise the differences rather than embrace and cherish the differences. I say that because when my daughter was about seven or eight (she’s 24 now), she had a friend who had been her friend since she was about three or four. They’d visit each other all the time They’d attend each others’ birthday parties.
After a few years, my daughter started wondering why her hair wasn’t like “Tammy’s”. (That’s not really her name.) She wanted her hair to lay straight like “Tammy’s”. She could not understand why I wouldn’t do her hair like “Tammy’s” so it would lay down. It was impossible to get her to understand the difference. She never told me at that time why she wanted to change her hair. When she learned that she could put a perm in her hair to make it lay straight, she wanted one. I told her when she’s 15, if she still wants one, she can try it. But in my mind, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, but as Black girl, I also longed for hair that “society would approve of.” Anyway, one day, she visited “Tammy”. Afterwards, she never wanted to visit again. I asked, but she never told me why, at least not at that time.
When she grew to be a teenager, she told me that “Tammy” would tease about her hair, and not in a positive way…very condescending, especially when others were around. And the last time she visited, “Tammy” said something racial, directed at her. At age seven or eight, she experienced racism, from one that she thought was her friend…one who did not recognize differences as a three- or four-year-old. That recognition came years later, meaning it was learned. She was taught race consciousness, but not in a positive way. I hurt for her that day because I knell too well that feeling of betrayal…and helplessness. It’s more painful than words can describe.
So, I commend you guys for this sort-of “movement” counteracting the effects of the negative teachings that many children still get today…it’s evident in today’s climate that this type of negative teaching is still prevalent in our society.
Oh yeah! One thing we can help kids understand is that “Race” is human, which would make us all of the same “Race”. Skin color has nothing to do with “Race”. Ethnicity, and culture are where we differ. And those are differences we should embrace because they are what make life interesting.
Just an afterthought…
YES! For at least 18 months, and perhaps longer, I have checked ‘other’ on any forms. If they asked for an explanation, I type in ‘Human’.
It sounds like your daughter might be a little young for the conversation (though I wouldn’t be surprised if she brings it up herself next year when Kindergarten has its day!). I’m not too young, however, and I never thought of this issue– even when putting my own hair into a lot of little pony tails for my school’s last Crazy Hair Day before I retired. (It’s often one of the days designated by Student Council for Spirit Week.) Thanks for raising my consciousness about this.
This is amazing. I appreciate this. As a person of African descent, I can say whole-heartedly that this entails a moment that could have perpetrated detrimental subliminal messages. I have children and my children are often rarely represented in their classrooms. To see reflections of your culture displayed ask a joke, sans respect and with no reverence for you as an individual is a pain that is hard to articulate. I commend you for this, the systemic challenges of racism will give us much to grapple with. It is nice to see someone fighting, against all odds for personal due diligence. Your daughter will be better educated for moments like the above mentioned. Thank you.
The real problem is that children are NOT born thinking that somebody’s hair is weird. In fact my grandson’s hair is frequently weird. The point is that a person has to TELL that another color of skin or hair is “weird” or worse.. even as a young adult life as a beginning teacher I was called in to a committee because on a whim I grew a beard. None of my young students had said anything about my beard. I was just their teacher. The committee tried to tell me that having a beard was indicative of being a “hippy”. Yes it was the late 60’s. I responded to them that did they believe that children are born thinking that beards are”bad”? Silence from the committee. I said, “I don’t either, and I will make you a deal. If you don’t tell them beards are bad then I won’t either”. More silence. But they were not convinced and I decided that I could not work with prejudice like that. After a career of over 40 years, I retired and always taught my students that like the flowers God made us all different colors so that we would have a more beautiful world. I never had a racist word ever mentioned in my class because they learned to love and respect one another and treat each other as they would like to be treated.
*siiiiigh* Okay. I have a problem with this post for a few different reasons. My biggest contention is with the idea that BLACK GIRLS HATE THEIR HAIR. Black girls love their hair. It’s evident in all the styles cuts and massively large variety of ways they can wear it.
All of my sisters wear their hair (save one) in a natural. Because our hair is awesome. Sure, talking to her daughter about the idea of crazy–points earned. Bringing up ideas of culture and what is seen as normal in one might be different in another–half points. Trying to download a blanket statement or idea like black girls hate their hair–all points taken away.
Leave the conversation at: “here are hairstyles from all over the world. What’s normal to one person is different to another. What’s important is that we’re all free to celebrate one another for those differences and appreciate them for what they are. You wear your hair straight, they wear a hijab, or they wear dreadlocks. Isn’t it cool that there are so many different ways?”
And then you end the conversation and ask her how her day was.
As an educator and a Black mature female, I always felt a twinge when “crazy hair ” became part of the school’s fundraising. I didn’t full understand why but reading your article caused my Ah-Ha light to come on. I know that the event for the students was fun but for some reason it was just not the same as “pajamas” day.
I know that many can easily not respond to racial disparities and feel inside that they are not prejudice . However, as you indicated in the research and from a mental health point of view, submerged and hidden feelings make no outward change to a situation. In order to build better understanding and live with a clearer conscious, thoughts and feelings must be expressed.
The behavior of squashing down of emotions and reactions have been the culprits where we are still dealing with racial disparities, inequalities, uncomforts, negativity and fears in this century.
You miss a very important point about race discussions around hair — the fact that sometimes, in contrast to teasing about “Black” hair or thinking it’s ugly, others will actually do the opposite — glorify the hair style, want to ooh and aah over it, touch it, and so on. In other words, the conversation should go beyond making someone feel “bad” to the point about “othering.” Your conversation seems to miss that by showing pictures of only Black hair styles. What about White girls who wear their hair in different ways? Or boys who choose to have long hair? Etc. The point is not to say, “Black hair is beautiful,” but to say, “Everyone’s hair is his/her own, and it’s their business what they do with it and why.”
Anita, I love your answer. I am 54; I spent over 22 years in the Navy. It took me SIX years after retirement to realize that my hair no longer needed to be ‘a natural colour’…. not necessarily the colour God gave me, but something within the realm of possibility. So, for the last ten months, my hair has been BLUE! I love it. I don’t care how I look (and admit that it doesn’t do well in photos without good lighting), but it makes me HAPPY.
I have been SHOCKED by the reception it has received. I honestly expected a few – especially older women to ask me why the heck I had done it. I have had nothing but positive reactions. People smile; not laugh, smile. I pretty much NEVER leave the house without someone mentioning that it looks great, they wish they had the nerve, asking me where it was done. I especially expected negative comments, or at least ‘looks’ when at my medical appointments in a military hospital. Nope, I get positive comments not only from youngsters in uniform, but from those older than me… retirees from Vietnam or Korea – MEN!
I don’t mind any questions I get, because I’ve decided that I’m proclaiming a ‘be happy with yourself’ message. I can assure you that if I did get a nasty commment, as a retired Sailor and filled with a Smart-A gene from both sides of my family, I could reply appropriately.
It never occurred to me to put my daughter’s hair in a way that would be considered ‘Black’…. if we did multiple ponytails, it was one on one side and multiple on the other; or a high pony on one side and a low braid on the other. As the mother of an AA child and a Latina/Arab child, I do think there is such a thing as being ‘too sensitive’.
As a black woman (and preschool teacher), I can tell you first hand that young children absolutely DO see skin color differences. Why wouldn’t they? I’ve heard everything from, ” why is your skin that color?” to “black people look like monsters!” These instances are not the time to have a “we don’t see color!” conversation. How confusing for a child. I embrace these moments (though, let’s face it. They can feel hurtful) to have an honest discussion about why a child has the thoughts they do, and how, yes, we ARE different colors. Don’t hide from our differences. Teach kids to celebrate them!
I appreciate your honesty and ability to self-reflect. It’s difficult but necessary, especially as we’re modeling everything we do and say along to our children.
Those who feel these conversations are not necessary may not be affected by them, which makes it easier to continue to ignore the very apparent disparity that exists. As a woman of color, I can confirm that open discussions have been a lifeline. Conversely, when I’ve had teachers, other adults who could have intervened and even friends minimize negative experiences, it’s been terribly painful.
Thanks for what you do!